Just completed reading The Shack by William P. Young. Heady stuff and it is still rather difficult to wrap my brain around parts of it. Not that I don't believe what is written, quite the contrary, but for me to really grasp some of what has been written I need to learn full acceptance of Love. Yes, Love with a capital 'L'. Not there yet as I stated in an earlier entry. But at the same time I am not in the same place I was yesterday. Baby steps. (Don't mind me if I fall several times and bawl like a baby either.)

I have a lot to forgive and a lot more to be forgiven for. My life would be a perfect template for one of those awful* soap-operas that some watch. However, I don't want to settle for believing that is all my life is about anymore; that I was made to suffer, that I was made for failure. Yeah, I believed those things. I still carry a lot of guilt and shame that has manifested itself in dis-ease. (I believe when one is sick inside the outside can only follow suit.) This is part of the process and journey: to relearn how loved I am. Hard stuff. Which is why some of The Shack was more difficult to wrap my thoughts around... if I still have a hard time loving me how can I imagine anyone else wanting to? Much less the Creator of the heavens and Earth?

Recently I was at a discussion group and I truly think the only one at that meeting who got being loved and being in the now was an infant. That infant cried when he was hungry and got immediate gratification. He also knew that there was always someone in his space that would be there to cuddle him and adore him.

When do we lose that? When do we grow up and decide not to live in the honesty of now? Also why is it a baby can be the only recipient of such unconditional love and concern? We are all babies inside. Except, there are a few differences. A true infant does not doubt. He or she doesn't know how yet. Only as we grow into adults do we learn to doubt love; all broken inside, needing and hurting and never quite understanding where all the safe places and people went to. I am not suggesting throwing a temper tantrum to get your way but I am suggesting that if we all remembered we are still babies in the spiritual we might be kinder to one another and treat each other like that infant at the discussion group. If we learned to treat ourselves with that same concern and adoration we might not be so torn.

Heck, what do I know. I still need to learn love and Love. I do think if I continue, one day at a time, I may get closer. Even if I don't quite reach the fullness of understanding I can say I did my best. Watch me walk!

*Disclaimer: I don't think soap TV is wrong to watch but my own stance is garbage in garbage out, If someone wants to fill their life with the messages those shows portray I say good-on-ya. They just aren't for me.